This photo essay on teenage freight train hitchhikers will shake you up: http://t.co/2vPLwOdSm1
.@BoyGeorge I know you're sober now, but is it okay if I picture you saying this over your shoulder while sipping a g&t?
Dear @BoyGeorge: Are you EVER going to publicly respond to Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Girl George" slam from 1985's COMMANDO?
RT @MJMcKean: I know most of us don't care about the Nebula awards, but how does Cabin in the Woods not win Best Dramatic Presentation?
(2 of 2) ...that said, Sinclair's description of Thatcher's twilight years as "more mask than meat"? PERFECTION. So there.

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Fri, Jan 01


THESE PHRASES AREN''T INVITED TO 2010

@ 12:00 AM

THESE PHRASES AREN'T INVITED TO 2010

Wow. A new decade. Yes, I know, technically, 2011 is the new decade, but guess what? NO ONE CARES.

Okay, here are four phrases -- and the concepts they represent -- that I'd like to leave in the dying comet trail of 2009. I'd like to leave them, but I'll bet they creep through. Oh well.


"'Fuck You' Money"

What a truly horrible idea. I know it can be interpreted to mean, "I've now got the financial stability to refuse projects and commitments which are soulless and which I perceive to be beneath me." It's never put this way in practice.

"'Fuck You' Money" is a rage-ful, imagined state of one's future, where you've got the money to flat-out be mean and dismissive towards other people while never having to do anything original or risky again.

I should know because, when I was starting out in show business, and I swallowed whole the concept of a finite amount of success for the creative, I dreamed of "'Fuck You' Money". The mean kind. And to desire this state means you're probably engaged in some really shitty, soulless endeavors to begin with. Call it "money" and leave it at that. Don't darken your horizon when you're young and in the sun.


"It's Called Show 'Business', Not Show 'Friends'"

You know who says this? Not people doing business.

Assholes say this. Assholes who are out to screw over their "friends".


"Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can't, Teach"

Bullshit.

Yes, there are shitty teachers. There are unimaginative, by-rote educators who take no joy in their profession. Maybe they went in full of idealism and energy and got beaten down. Maybe they never had it. Yes, they exist.

But the bulk of teachers -- at least, the ones I've encountered in my life -- teach because they are truly passionate about a subject, concept or discipline. They don't take any pleasure in the amassing of property or finance. I know that must sound like low-grade insanity, especially these days. They want to keep kicking open new rooms and dusting off windows in their minds and souls. They get a truly endorph-ic lift from delving deeper and deeper into something -- an author, an epoch, a science -- within which they perceive a teasing glimmer of the infinite.

And since there's only so much someone can read about a subject or person or book or piece of music, they create new strategies for revelation. One of the surest is to see the thing they love through untrained, un-biased eyes. In other words, students. Semester after semester, year after year, sometimes generation after generation, they watch how the changing world warps, diminishes, or builds up this thing they've become obsessed with.

People who toss this phrase off were probably shitty students, and were too dull to spot the passion in the eyes of their quality teachers. These were the assholes I encountered at college, who "studied for the test", and bragged about how, "I'm never gonna read another fucking book or listen to this faggy-ass music ever again..." and became lawyers who can't spell and who nod their heads to the same five Bon Jovi songs over their buffalo wings at Bennigan's.

"Life Is Short"

Is it?

As many people this phrase has helped to get out there, take a chance, grab their talent and make their lives, it's also led to some of the lamest decisions, failed marriages, sell-out careers and dumbass deaths in history.

Life's only short if you're dull or desperate. Take a deep breath, enjoy the present, and keep in mind that, unless you're plankton in jeans, you'll probably be around for 80 odd years. Don't make a limited splash in your twenties and live sixty years of diminishing returns. Build a foundation, and enjoy the whole thing.

Okay, enjoy 2010. I guess.


Post Comment
 

Posted by: Klaw @ 10:48 AM on 1.02.2010
Can I still say LOL and LMFAO?

 
 
Posted by: Tony banana @ 8:29 PM on 1.02.2010
Patton,,,Yo!

Hey,,,do us and you all a BIG favor..
Go to Home Depot get some silicone seal get home, lift your sack and close up your vagina! Thank you

Then get a trainer and do a "Mike Chiklis", eat a giant F/N steak Start living again, DUH!
Make sure you punch all the soy retards down at your local Starbucks.

LOVE YOUR WORK, now get on with it!!!

 
 
Posted by: J_Brisby @ 7:17 AM on 1.03.2010
It's time for the "those who can't, teach" cliche to be reworked for a new modern era. I think it should be changed to:

Those who can, do. Those who can't, report. (And those who can't report, report sports!)


 
 
Posted by: Chris McDermott @ 3:23 PM on 1.05.2010
How true . What about this one i got asked recently . What KNEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS HAVE I MADE ??? . It makes me crindge when asked . BUT I answering this with a weird response . Or heres to better year ? I hear that shit every year ? Does that mean every year is allways judged at the same level. Anyway big fan Pat .Chris from Glasgow Scotland .Cheers! toast of scotch whiskey and a tip of the hat sir.

 
 
Posted by: Chris McDermott @ 3:38 PM on 1.05.2010
Have you ever eat Haggis ? Its pure medi eevil meal not at all good for you BUT its my beautifull national dish and it tastes gooood .lol wish mash potato and mashed carrot and turnip if you want to cut it down from its purest form. But i reccomend mashed potato and HP brown sauce . If you havent ? Give it a shot , would like to know your opinion on it .

 
 
Posted by: bob @ 10:13 AM on 1.06.2010
awesome

 
 
Posted by: josh @ 10:16 AM on 1.06.2010
you said it

 
 
Posted by: Eric @ 11:11 PM on 1.06.2010
Your god damn right about teachers. I love siting and watching someone lecture who is genuinely passionate about what they are speaking about, and stupid douche bags always ruin it by assuming because the person is a teacher and they are learning it in school, that it sucks or is unnecessary. That is what makes my high school completely unbearable. disregarding someone who has passion for what they love because you are too stupid to put the effort into learning is the most convoluted bullshit I have ever heard.
I am from Fairfax, VA (Herndon, specifically. It sucks just like Sterling), and I can't wait to get out of here. You're a real inspiration to all of us here with drive and creativity

 
 
Posted by: Nightmare @ 2:00 PM on 1.07.2010
HEY! I just wanted to let you know how right you are. Any chance I can get an interview with you? Cause I have been a fan of your work forever! And by forever I mean since Christ was a baby, or at least since he was a carpenter.

 
 
Posted by: Fritzi Ritz @ 6:04 PM on 1.07.2010
"Those who can't do teach, those who can't teach, teach gym."
Woody Allen

 
 
Posted by: Christina @ 10:25 PM on 1.07.2010
We must also burn "it is what it is." Both dismissive and essentially meaningless. Unless you work it into a haiku, zip! It's in the bonfire.

 
 
Posted by: Mikko @ 12:57 PM on 1.08.2010
Thank you! I've hated "Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can't, Teach" for as long as i can remember.

I would also add that teaching people to "do" something requires a different set of skills than just "doing" it.

Some of the best people in any given field science, music etc. are actually shitty teachers. They're brilliant at "doing" but very poor at explaining HOW they "do".

 
 
Posted by: Alison Jones @ 8:04 PM on 1.08.2010
Watching some bits of Patton on YouTube. Having lots of laughs! I like the joke about playing the Chipmunks records slowed down. It brought back memories of doing the same thing!

 
 
Posted by: Peter Henrich @ 12:12 AM on 1.09.2010
Brilliantly written with a solid message, as per usual. I'll do everything I can to uphold the word of Oswalt.

 
 
Posted by: Chris @ 2:15 PM on 1.09.2010
Patton - not sure whether or not you check these or not but speaking of teachers; was wondering if you remember Mrs. Hughes from BRHS days? Shoot me an email, if you get a moment. I graduated BRHS in '92 and became good friends with her son, Dave. They still live in Sterling and I bet she'd love to hear from you. Keep Rockin, Brother! Peace.

 
 
Posted by: Philip @ 9:13 PM on 1.09.2010
Well said and thoughtful in it's beginnings. Next year I'd like to see how deep or shallow the lawyer pool is in your neck of the woods. Many comedians can challenge old cop-outs like this one. I think you can go Sly Stallone flavoured "over the top" on with the mirth tempest that rumbles amid your temples.
How about something with zest for next new years? Your thoughtful insight considers those who choose a higher road. Please don't forget the sluggards that leave slime trails.

 
 
Posted by: Paul Bedard @ 3:39 PM on 1.11.2010
Thanks, Patton. I am a community college mathematics professor and I have never heard a more heartening, affirming, positive shout out to teachers. What an amazing guy you are. Keep making stuff not suck.

 
 
Posted by: Pimp_juice @ 4:18 PM on 1.11.2010
Dam straight dude. Though I've never heard "It's Called Show 'Business', Not Show 'Friends'"

 
 
Posted by: Rich Diehl @ 6:55 PM on 1.11.2010
Your "teaching" remarks were quite insightful. Also, Mrs. Pearson would have been proud of your correct use of single quote marks. Go Spartan!

P.S. As a Giant fan, I loved your movie. It reminded me of when my wife and I were living in a 10x50 trailer with an antenna on the front lawn. I'd have her go out and turn it until the picture was somewhat viewable. I never told here that it was just her holding it that made the difference. Was it wrong to have her stand in freezing weather for 4 hours? Dude, it's the Giants!

 
 
Posted by: Sally Toner @ 7:17 PM on 1.11.2010
From the Broad Run crowd, Patton, thanks for your comment about teachers. And don't worry. I can't stand Bon Jovi!

 
 
 
 
 
   
   
   
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