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Sun, May 01

The Comedians of Comedy 2005 Spring Tour:

@ 12:00 AM

I'm not leaving my house this week. Well, that's not entirely true. Tuesday night I'm doing Mbar. And, now that I think of it, I'm taping LATE LATE LATE AWKWARD WITH CARSON DALY on Thursday. But that's IT!

The fuck is wrong with me?

Full of hubris, I scheduled 25 days of constant travel and performing for the month of April. I flew to San Francisco on the 31st and then spent the next three weeks going to Las Vegas, New York, Houston, New Orleans, Tallahassee, Gainesville, Orlando, Atlanta, Athens and then finally home. I guess, since it was all stand-up, I snapped right back into my 25 year-old head, which used to be attached to a 25 year-old body, which had no problem chugging along on three hours of sleep a night, Gatorade and pretzels for breakfast, and cheap bourbon pre-, during- and post-show.


So, as I sit in the sun of my backyard, a porcelain cup of weak Brendan's Breakfast tea in my shaking mitt, let's recount from when we last left off:

April 22nd the Comedians of Comedy pulled into Atlanta. A night off! Holy shit! But everyone was feeling like they were getting sick, so Brian and I had an Old Man's Early Dinner at the tapas place next door to our hotel, then went to sleep. I marveled at the post-rainstorm evening sunset in Atlanta, which is one of the few things I truly, painfully miss about growing up in Virginia. Wow! We were staying at the rustic Highland Inn, where I caught a glimpse of Captain Jack, the hotel kitty. He patrolled the halls and was very deft at avoiding my digital camera. Then I watched G.I. JANE and played Untold Legends on my PSP. Brian kept calling me, telling me to switch to CBS, 'cuz they were running promos for the Rosie O'Donnell Emmy-grab RIDING THE BUS WITH MY SISTER. Ambien knocked me out around midnight.


The show in Atlanta was the best of the tour (sorry Tallahassee!) and the rowdiest. I was handed up funny-smelling booze in paper Dixie cups, which I then bravely/stupidly/innocently swallowed. The self-pict I took of myself in the van's side-view mirror was the last coherent thing I remember. Also, my friend and bona-fide genius Nick Bougas brought me a Jerry Lewis lifemask and a spiral notebook of serial killer correspondence. Christmas came early!

Athens has a fuzzy, slow-motion blur for me. Great show, as usual, amazing crowd, fun, fun, fun. We're already planning a return. I'll definitely be back for one night in September, solo. I'll post all the info soon.

Ah, memories. I wish there weren't so many crammed into three weeks. The July tour, which we're finalizing now, is only going to take me out of town for five or six days. Get ready, Boston! Get ready for:

Genuine male closeness, friendship, and all-around fun in a van (see pict. below)!


All kindsa useless trinkets purchased at truck plazas, to be stared at forlornly on a hotel desk at the end of the day (although, I doubt any of the cities on our East Coast tour will be able to beat, let alone match, a Zippo lighter with a Confederate flag and the saying, "Get 'er Done!" emblazoned on them — also, when you open 'em, a voice says,Get 'er done!")

Photo booth hijinks!

Random fans asking me to take their pict. with me and then posting it pointlessly on my website!

Staged photos of me "sweeping up" after the show!


Thanks to everyone who helped with the tour — especially all the fans at, CHUNKLET founder and editor Henry "Boner" Owings, for managing the tour and driving the fan shirtless, Bari Buck in Athens for providing her jaw-dropping house for the after party, the Five and Ten Restaurant in Athens for the amazing last night meal (they have a rabbit ragout over parpadrelle, which rivals the wild boar ragout over parpadrelle at Mix in Los Angeles) and Criminal Records in Atlanta for the super-fun deejay session, obscure CDs and comics, and tasty pizza.

You'd think, when I returned home on Sunday (hauling a Southern-by-the-Grace-of-God chest cold) that I'd unplug the phone and weep silently in a ball on the floor. But no. Genius that I am, I scheduled a whole mess o' stuff right for when I got back. So it wasn't until today that I can say I'm free.

Tuesday I went to a screening of WEDDING CRASHERS in preparation for interviewing Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn for a Comedy Central thing on Thursday. In between those outings I flew up to Stanford for a sorta-kinda roundtable discussion about the state of America with David Eggers, Spike Jonze and David O. Russell. Have I dropped enough names? I think I saw Rhea Perlman buying a latte this morning...


The Stanford gig was a lot of fun. Eggers was also giving out two lit prizes to young talents that his 826 Valencia school had discovered, so that was sweet. Also, David was super-tense before the show, since the crowd was a lot of what we call "season ticket holders", in that they buy a whole year's worth of programming. So there were a lot of, ahem, "older" audience members. David was afraid my poo and devil-dick jokes might turn some people off. There he is, looking tense. There's Spike trying to comfort him. Poor bastard.

Guess what happened? The older people in the audience were totally cool. I've experienced this time and time again. The times I've been heckled or booed offstage? Always people in their mid-twenties. Older conservatives — fuck it, older people in general — never get credit for actually having lived lives, and maybe they gained a little more perspective than their younger audience mates? Maybe? Anyway, they're usually less reactionary — and the Stanford crowd proved me right. Great show all around.

Friday I spent all day in full scale mail on the back of a donkey named Sampson. It was for an episode of RENO 911!, the 3rd and 4th season.

That's all I'm going to say for now.

My cup is empty. WHERE'S MY BRENDAN'S BREAKFAST?!?!!? (Urinates in bathrobe)

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