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Mon, Mar 17

PATTON''S BARGAIN BLURB BASEMENT

@ 5:21 PM

I just wrote yet another blurb for a friend's forthcoming book.     So far, I've only blurbed books I've actually read and enjoyed.

But I'm facing down four or five months of constant travel, film acting work, and writing under deadline.    I don't think I'm going to have time to honor any forthcoming blurb or review requests.

Until then, please feel free to use any of the following all-purpose blurbs:



"A delicious mocha-swirl of Wallace Stevens, Judy Blume and Tom Clancy!"

"Jesus brain-raping Christ, I loved these Christmas poems!"

"A literal roller-coaster ride!"

"Haunting...literally!"

"Black type-set words printed on white paper...literally!"

"Staten Island is bitterly cold, bleak, and 100% attraction-free!   A must!"

"Manages to evoke the British defeat at Ticonderoga, the stench of rotted crab legs, and Robert Loggia's voice!"

"Passably competent!"

"I'm yelling at nothing while I write this!    Here what it sounds like:   Blaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!"

"Why?  Dear God, WHY?!?"



Post Comment
 
Posted by: Jeffrey @ 6:07 PM on 3.17.2008
Are you going to The Arch Campbell Variety Show at the Drafthouse?
http://www.arlingtondrafthouse.com/default.aspx?page=event&eid=602&refcd=NEWSLT

 
 
Posted by: exacerb8ted @ 8:00 PM on 3.17.2008
You are one of the funniest people alive! When you come back to the states, please come to Louisiana Tech University!!!

 
 
Posted by: Hal @ 1:54 PM on 3.18.2008
How about:
"Heather Mills will rot in hell - and this book is okay"

the CD still rules!!!!!!

 
 
Posted by: Shelley @ 4:14 PM on 3.18.2008
you freaken rule - cannot wait to see you perform live and i promise not to yell out YEAAAHHHH during the quiet buildups! ;)

 
 
Posted by: Les @ 2:56 AM on 3.20.2008
That video rocked!!!! The web link under the video doesn't work though, and it is different than the website in the beginning of the video.

Come back and visit Hollywood for some brand new battered chapped skin diseases!!!

 
 
Posted by: Aaron Knowles @ 8:13 AM on 3.22.2008
Dear Patton,
Would you quit all of your jobs and become not fanous so that you can move to rural maine and we can go to dark, smoke filled bars that smell of loggers and you will be my funny friend who I drink with. I kind of need that in my life right now. Thanks, Aaron

 
 
Posted by: Danny @ 11:34 AM on 3.22.2008
I love your work and consider a genius! A literal abacus wielding genius! Literally!

I've seen your show live and you rocked the house. You need to come back to Austin and soon.

 
 
Posted by: Graham @ 10:16 PM on 3.22.2008
Come back to Athens, GA immediately. Please. The roads aren't paved with Marijuana anymore and we need your help.

 
 
Posted by: U.J. Lessing @ 7:58 AM on 3.24.2008
I have seen the future of blurb writing, and it's Patton Oswalt.

 
 
Posted by: Robert @ 4:30 AM on 3.25.2008
COme to Sydney when you come to Melbourne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 
Posted by: That one writer at that particular website @ 3:38 AM on 3.27.2008
Hey Patton. I'm wondering if you'd take a look at my website and consider doing an interview. I think Dave was going to have you look at it- but I know you guys are so busy- I thought I'd pop in here and bug you.

Thanks!

 
 
Posted by: Dan @ 12:29 PM on 3.28.2008
Hey Patton,
Just wanted to say, you ARE the next Bill Hicks man. Just saw your friday gig in Melbourne, and I was mortified by the retarded interruptions from the crowd! Worse still, the hosts were actually PAINFUL to watch. (I thought they were supposed to warm the crowd up!). *Sigh*
Still, you rose above, man. You rock!
Dont worry about your material not translating here, either. Lets face it.. Australia may as well be called 'mini USA'. All the stuff you've released so far has shown no real cultural barriers. The majority of us have grown up with more U.S. tv shows & brand names than we have Australian ones!
Anyway, just had to say we love your work dude. And hey, maybe one day some of us may even pass 'the test of the small town' (or country!)
Look forward to your saturday gig.. And hey, if you're bored doing the usual 'tourist' stuff, e-mail me and I'll tell you where the best comic shops are ;-)

 
 
Posted by: joe doe @ 3:19 PM on 3.30.2008
Patton,

I saw you on the Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav - terrific. I write my own material and have some for you. If you like it please reply to 704-575-0418.
- How about the crown Flavor was wearing? Do you know what his favorite flav is? Burger King - look atthe crown. He is 100% flame broiled.
- What about Jose Conseco relapsing on the baseball steroid scandal? He has now relapsed on this more times than Scott Weiland. Two words for Jose - 12 step
- Shakiras' career was in a slump but now it's back. Why the slump you ask? Her long lost mother turned up. Do you know who it is? CHARO
- Is that velcro on Jeff Ross's face? Shave!
- Was that Ice-T or Steven Segal?

 
 
Posted by: Blaine @ 8:16 PM on 3.30.2008
Patton,

I think you're hilarious and I'm going to pay you a compliment without asking for anything.

 
 
Posted by: Daniel Alvarez @ 1:06 PM on 3.31.2008
Patton! I know you're going to this restaurant:
http://www.chicagoreader.com/features/stories/restaurants/080327/
You know a small part of you wants to ride on a speed boat to an exclusive restaurant run by a batshit insane bong-smoking Goose-torturing elitist culinary chef. It wouldn't surprise me if his customers were greeted by the sounds of Rick Springfield emanating from his awesome mix tape as his Asian manservant lights firecracker after firecracker like Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights. By the way, when the hell did Lake Michigan become international waters? Tonight's menu: The Most Dangerous Game.

 
 
Posted by: Daniel Alvarez @ 1:09 PM on 3.31.2008
The URL was cutoff (Sorry!) The place is called Crib and it's 1 mile off the lakefront in Chicago:

http://www.chicagoreader.com/features/stories/restaurants/080327/

 
 
Posted by: ed @ 11:06 PM on 4.01.2008
u r the worst comic I've ever heard. I'd rather watch cspan. Find another job, this ain't your calling.

 
 
Posted by: Brother Beavis @ 5:24 PM on 4.02.2008
Dude, why is there a portrait of the young Jerry Lewis at the top of this page?

 
 
Posted by: Haley Joel Osment @ 5:30 PM on 4.02.2008
Hey man, people keep coming up to me and asking me to do those jokes about KFC Bowls and Black Angus, and I have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. Who the hell are you, anyway?

 
 
Posted by: Earl Warren @ 5:55 PM on 4.03.2008
Is it true that "Patton" is Hungarian for "Lee Harvey"?

 
 
 
 
 
   
   
   
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